best divorce letter there is!

My Dear Husband, I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new night gown. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone. 

YOUR EX-WIFE 

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life! 

REPLY: 

Dear Ex-Wife, nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you have been. I watch TV soaps so much because they down out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work anymore. I did notice when you got a hairdo last week, but the 1st thing that came to my mind was 'you look just like a boy!'. Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years. About the new night gown, I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the LETTER you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care. 

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell And Free! 

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother CARL was born CARLA. :P .I hope that's not a problem :P

idiotic quotes, part one

I already posted this on my FB, I just felt like posting it here. I'm fond of remembering whatever funny, stupid, crazy, (or all of the above) quotes that my friends blurt out without them meaning to. Sometimes I just overhear stuff, and I kinda collect them, too. People should be careful what they say around me. LOL

Ma'am C: "Women are like flat iron. You have to slowly make them hot."

Ma'am D: "Sthoap sthuds."

Ma'am M (sa ward, in front of the patient, the SO & all): "Patyun ta ka!!!"

Me: "Bahala na mahulog, basta busog."

Anj: "Snvrshwevrshversnvrsshwevrsnor."

Ate Agnes: "Bahala na mahulog basta mahamot."

Gaia: "We're rich!"

Janz: "Me like *toot*. Me wanna text him, but me texted you instead. So me like you too!"

Moi (asking about something censored): "Is it really that good?"
Janz: "Yeah boy!"

Janz: "Did you know that life has a cord? It's called the umbilical cord!"

Anj (to Janz and Me): "Why don't you just become lesbians together?"

Gaia: "You know how selfish we rich people are."

Cha: "Kay anooooo? Litik diri?" (in a high-pitched, gayish voice)

Janz: "..they're like two creams in a pod!"

Janz: "I don't want to marry a guy obstetrician, because what if they get tired looking at *censored*? I don't want him to get tired looking at it!"

Anj: "I look puerto rican? (amazed face). I look puerto rican! (proud face)."

Me: "How to grow big boobs?"
Janz: "You rub them with tissue paper."

Me: "I'm a growing girl. I need coins!"

Keng: "Debt of my intestines!" (Translation: "Utang na loob!")

Jojo: "Wheelbarrow! Wheelbarrow!" (with action)

Jojo: "Let's do frottage and effleurage at the same time!"

Ishan: "I love Valium! Hweeh! I love the power! Spell it with me! V-A-L-I-U-M!"

Ruel: "Fayalite means fight, fight, fight!"

Jihan: "Kita na mga Chinese.."

Jojo: "How would you introduce yourself to someone you've seen half-naked in pictures?"
Me: "Hi! I'm (insert name here). I saw you half-naked. Can I see the other half?"

Ma’am Nicole: “Diri pa na-activate it iya neurons asya diri pa hiya naka-interpret hit mga stimulus (i.e. janelle).”

Janz: “Yummy man your sapit!” (pertaining to *toot*)

Paul: "Smile and the world is round."

Jojo: "He doesn't eat pork eh. I'm pork!"

Keng: Mag-asawa ngan ak, gusto ko tak asawa bayot.
Me: Huh? Kay?
Keng: Coz I'll make him a man.

Me: How do you picture yourself 10 years from now?
Kenj: Me, I'm on the top of a billboard.. About to jump.

Cha (talking about ****): "Once matilawan niya hi Cha, magiging lalaki hiya."

Brian: "Are you drugs?"

May: "Haggardness is next to ugliness."

Me: (singing Just Stand Up. Very out of tune.)
Anj: Bel, what did you eat today?
Me: I don't know. I pooped them all out.

Janz: "People who have boobs, have power."

Anj: A child a day is another laceration.

Janz: The best things in life come as copy/paste.

Me: What's up with you guys dancing in your underwear?
My nephew: It's a genetic disorder.

Janz (to me): You can do driving! Just remember: do not hit people and cars have feelings to!

Krizzy: Sometimes I love you. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I nosebleed.

Anj: My big is not hole. No, wait. My hole is not big.
Janz: Do not say that in public.

Janz: *Sighs* If I only had a brain.. Oh, wait! I meant books!

Janz: Anu pa daw an katikangan han "Sana Maulit Muli"?
Bel (singing): Sana maulit muli..

the sexless innkeeper :]

Barney's Version
T'was the night before new year's, and the weather grew mean.
It was 3:00 in the morning, and I was stranded in Queens.
The tavern grew empty, the gas lights grew dim.
The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in.
Last call was approaching, and my fortunes looked bleak.
Then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek.
She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone.
She gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones.
I muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth.
I asked, "where do you live?" and she said, "one block south."
I swallowed my pride and six shots of whiskey.
And prayed to the gods that she wasn't too frisky.
Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack.
'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack.
But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper.
And thus she became the sexless innkeeper.

Ted's Version
T'was the night before, I had hours to kill.
I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.
Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin."
She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed."
"I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed."
With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon.
We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper.
And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.

I got these from season 5, episode 4 of How I Met Your Mother. I never paid much attention to this TV series before.. But damn, now I'm hooked. I just can't get enough of Ted, Robin, Lily, and Marshall. And Barney. But of course, Barney! The rest of the cast are just great, but Barney's awesome!

I just can't wait to see who the Mother is. It's gonna be legen-wait for it-dary! :)

OMFG.

I saw this on Tumblr and I just couldn't help myself from reposting. I was like, "Oh my effin' God!" when I saw this. Then I fell on my butt laughing.

FML makes my day♥

I just love reading FML. It makes be happier knowing I'm not the only one leading a crappy life.

• Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job.
• Today, at work, my stomach hurt and I passed gas for relief. Moments later, I discovered that my loose, silent "fart" was actually a wet, sneaky shart. The mess was beyond repair; I had to fake a family emergency and crept out of the office so that my coworkers wouldn't see my obvious crap stain.
• Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out.
• Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at the mall, kissing another man. His partner got up and went to the bathroom, so I went up to my ex. I told him I didn't know he was gay, and he just smiled politely. Then his partner came out and I recognized him as my current boyfriend.
• Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed.
• Today, I saw a video of me last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" naked.
• Today, I needed new business cards so I went to design and print some. After I designed, I was happy with them and printed off 100 copies. I live at a place called Canal Rocks. I forgot the 'C'. I now have 76 business cards which say 'anal rocks.' I already distributed 24.
• Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it.
• Today, I decided I need help, so I confessed to my mother that I'm bulimic. After she looked it up online she started screaming at me for "Wasting food that I'm not paying for."
• Today, I got a paper cut while opening my box of Band-Aids.
• Today, I found out that I puke and then pass out at the sight of blood. I am a 16 year old girl expecting hundreds of periods to come.
• Today, I was very sick and kept throwing up. I took a shower after every time I threw up. While in the shower after I threw up, I had to throw up again, so I got out and ran to the toilet. I slipped on the tile, broke my nose on the floor, and then threw up.
• Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives.
• Today, I gave my girlfriend a small stun gun I bought for her. She mentioned how she thought it was ''cute'', though it probably wouldn't help if someone was after her. She then put the tazer to my chest. When I woke up, she told me how it was my fault, for buying it for her.
• Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol.
• Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen.
• Today, I was working at a shoe store and was helping a dude try on shoes. He looked like trouble and I wanted to finish with him. When he finally picked his shoes, he abruptly stood up and ran out of the store with the shoes on. The cost of them was deducted from my salary. $240.
• Today, when walking to my car I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket.
• Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show.
• Today, I saw the girl I had started dating changed her Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". Naturally, I changed mine too. The next time I logged on, she had commented, "Really?! Who?!" She was serious.
• Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water.
• Today, a customer at work became violent and started hitting me and my coworker. Not wanting him to get the shit beat out of us, I used a move that pinned the guy on the ground. The police came and he was arrested. I was then fired for assaulting a customer.

And here's my ultimate favorite:

• Today, my husband and I were having sex, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook.