Tuesday, January 5, 2010

my life has been nothing but crap so far

2010 was supposed to be a new year, a good year. But why, ever since day 1, have I been faced with nothing but crap?

On the first day of the year, my ex suddenly wanted to get back together. And while it's a tempting offer, I have my reserves. I'm scared. And I don't even know why. Granted I've never been in another relationship after we broke up (same thing with him), and I think it's pretty clear why. We've been together for more than 2 years, and we've broken up for more than 2 years now.It took me almost that long to build up a wall around me so that everytime we hang out together (me, him, and our barkada), I wouldn't be so affected. I finally reached the point where I can answer my friends' question about our past without flinching inside, where I can deflect any teasing from my friends without batting an eyelash, where I can look him in the eye when talking to him. And all my defenses crumbled around me that one day when he admitted he still loves me. My relationship status is still pending (I know my FB says differently. My nephew changed it, but I never realized it would say I'm "..in a relationship and it's complicated." It was supposed to be the latter only. While it is complicated, I am not in a relationship whatsoever. But it was fun though, with my friends commenting and all.) I'm hoping to find some answers.

Then, on that same fateful day after my ex dropped the bomb, I learned that my bestfriend is pregnant. For five months now. And she's due to give birth in April. And I'm the only one who knows. She studies in Cebu, so we haven't seen each other for a long time, and we haven't had that much communication, with us both being busy and all. You can imagine my shock when she told me. I never expected her to be the first in our barkada to get preggers. God.

And finally, what really got me on warpath this year was when my Dad told me, really told me that he won't let me study Medicine at Manila. He has his reasons, I just don't want to listen to them. I know, I'm an only child, and that fact makes this harder, but come on! What does he think, that I'll be staying with until the end of my days?

I really, really, really want to be a doctor. And my Dad is killing my dream! I don't want to go to RTR again - i spent four years of my Nursing life there, and I want a change of place. Why can't he understand that he's crushing my spirit just by letting me stay here? I'm tired of being here.

I've been crying the whole time last night, and I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache. And now Jin said something that got the waterworks started again. I'm so pathetic.


JO-AN said...

Is there a school other than RTR that's also close to home?

Belle ♥ said...

the nearest would be at cebu na.
i'm going for cebu institue of medicine, or cebu doctors' university. i hope i get in. :)

looking for something?