#LesMisManila

I love musicals. 

Ever since I was a kid, I've always enjoyed movies with lots and lots of singing. I don't know why, maybe it was the influence of Disney classics like Beauty and the Beast and Mulan (my 2 favorite Disney movies of all time). I remember watching the Sound of Music with my Mom and Dad over and over again until I had all the songs memorized.

Of course, I couldn't keep on watching Disney movies and The Sound of Music forever. Eventually, I discovered Grease, The Wizard of Oz, West Side Story, The King and I, and My Fair Lady. They were before my time, but it didn't stop me from enjoying them. I even liked The Rocky Horror Picture Show, weird as that movie was.

But the first time I saw one on stage was when my cousin took me to see Cats. I didn't know what it was or what it was about. But the tune made me want to sing along, the songs made me wanna dance, and when we got home after the show, I downloaded the soundtrack, played it on loop, then started singing about Mr. Mistoffelees out loud during random times. 

I watched more shows after that: The Phantom of the Opera (which is one of my top three faves, maybe I'll blog about this one day, heh), Wicked, and Beauty and the Beast.

And when it was announced that Les Miserables (part of my top three faves, too) is coming to the Philippines, you can just imagine my excitement. I bought my tickets two hours after Ticketworld started selling them (I would have bought it earlier but I had a doctor's appointment). 

I just watched it last Saturday, and IT. WAS. AMAZING. Even The Boyfriend (who always accompanies me but gets bored and falls asleep in the middle of the show) loved it. He watched the whole thing without getting bored or falling asleep, and that is saying something!

There's probably a lot of reviews online, so this won't be one of those. I'm just writing to rave about how awesome it was, and how lucky I felt to be able to watched Les Mis.

Rachelle Ann Go was great — proud to be Filipino moment right there. Also, Chloe (she played the young Cosette) was so adorable. And she's half-Filipino! My favorite character, Eponine, also did not disappoint. The whole thing was worth every peso I spent for the tickets, and more!

Les Miserables. 

The amazing cast. 

Collection of tickets. 

On faith, hope, and Pope Francis

Today started out like any other day. But what made today stand out was the fact that Pope Francis is set to visit our humble city.

The days, weeks, months after Yolanda were probably the lowest, bleakest points of our lives. We were unsettled, unsure. We lost lives, properties, loved ones. We were unable to see beyond the destruction, the despair. We worked on autopilot in the months that followed. Functioning, but not really living.

But time and time again, we Filipinos showed to the world that with faith, strength, and determination, along with the ability to smile even at the worst times, we are able to rise and move on. And months after Yolanda, that's what we did.

And as more and more typhoons come and go, as other calamities hit our planet, the destruction brought about by Yolanda becomes overshadowed by new ones. I'm not saying that it is being forgotten, but the significance of it lessens with each passing day. So it is up to us survivors to remember, not for us, but for those who perished in the hands of the storm.

That's why the Pope's visit is such a big honor. It is a reminder to us that we are not forgotten. During his homily, Pope Francis said that he may be a bit late in coming. But to us, it did not matter. What matters is he came.

Listening to his homily on tv, I was overcome with such emotion. I used to remember Yolanda with sadness and bitterness, but now I shall remember Yolanda with a smile because while it brought about destruction, it also led to something beautiful — a visit from His Holiness.

Today, my Mom and I woke up at three in the morning. Her friend's sister in law lives in Marasbaras, where the Pope's motorcade will pass on the way to Palo (I wanted to attend the mass at the airport, but my Dad didn't give me permission to go alone). We went to their house at around 5 AM, where we ate breakfast and watched the live coverage of the Pope's arrival and the mass on tv. When the mass ended and the Pope climbed into the Pope Mobile, we all went outside.

I was wearing nothing but a light t-shirt under a hoodie, jeans, and slippers. We were blasted by wind and rain, but we held our ground. Armed with our smartphones protected by Ziplocs from the downpour, we grinned in anticipation of seeing the Pope. And he did not disappoint. He passed by us with a big smile and waved, and though it happened all under 10 seconds, it was more than enough. 

We all went back inside to watch the coverage of his arrival at the Cathedral, and to warm up as we were freezing. And when Pope Francis announced that the pilot moved his time of departure for Manila to 1 PM due to the weather, I could tell that the Pope was reluctant to do so. He came here to eat with the survivors, bless the mass grave, bless the Center for the Poor, and it seems like his visit was being cut short.

Nonetheless, when we saw that he was climbing into his Pope Mobile once again, we all ran back outside to get another glimpse of him. And this time, there were very few people along the road, so we were positioned directly behind the barricade and was able to see him more closely. 

And oh boy, the second time was just as intense as the first one. I felt excited and peaceful at the same time.

And as I sit here at home, shivering under my blanket, one hand holding a mug of hot chocolate, the other furiously typing on my iPad.. I'd just have to say, even if I do get sick from standing in the rain and then later on letting my clothes air dry on myself, IT WAS DEFINITELY WELL WORTH IT.

Pope Francis' visit gave me hope, and it strengthened my faith even more. For if there are people like the Pope in this world, one that is selfless, humble, and generous.. Then there is definitely hope for humanity.

So it's been a while..

It's been more than a year since my last post, since Yolanda. And oh my, what a year it has been.

Our city's been through a lot — we were hit by the world's strongest typhoon, people and houses were washed out by the storm surge, looters ransacked what was left of those houses and groceries. Everybody felt despair, I'm sure of it. For I felt it, too. 

We were among the lucky ones who were able to leave for Manila earlier, where we stayed for three weeks. During those weeks, I felt nothing but helplessness, hopelessness, and homesickness. It felt like nothing will ever be right again. 

My Dad and I came home to Tacloban during the last week of November, and my Mom followed a couple of weeks later. But even the thought of being home didn't erase the hopelessness that was coursing through me.

But God never forsakes His people. During those dark days, my faith was the only thing I could cling to. So when it was announced that the Pope is sending his Papal Nuncio to spend Christmas with the Taclobanons, I felt something stir inside me. 

I woke up early on Christmas Day, and braved the throngs of people at Sto. Niño Church. My Mom and I found a seat at the center aisle, about four rows from the front. The bench was wet, and the roof was gone so rainwater was dripping on us and our butts were wet and freezing from the rainwater that pooled on the bench but we didn't care. We had a great view of the podium, and we were excited and privileged to be hearing mass from a representative of the Vatican.

When the Papal Nuncio came down the aisle, everybody looked in his direction. It was purely by chance, but as I was openly staring at him, he looked at me and smiled. It was in that moment when, more than a month after Yolanda, I finally felt peace. And hope. That better days and better things are coming.

So I focused on my family, on friends, and on work. Days turned to months, months turned to a year.. And Yolanda became nothing more than a part of our history.

During the past year, I finally found the courage to quit my job. My friend and I opened up a nail spa, and while it took everything we had to build a business together, we are very much determined to make it work. It's only been two months, so we shall have to see how far we can go.

Life's funny that way. Sometimes it throws us challenges and hurdles (and Yolanda was definitely a really big hurdle that took lives and destroyed houses and businesses, but just a hurdle nonetheless), but it doesn't throw us something we cannot handle.

Yes, it was a big tragedy. But we Filipinos rose from the destruction and proved once again to the world that we are a strong resilient breed. That we are able to smile and laugh even in the midst of tragedy, and that we are strong enough to build back the lives that we once had.

And that.. That makes me real proud to be Filipino.

christmas after yolanda

During last night's midnight mass, Fr. Edgar said, "There is something special, something unique, something memorable about Christmas 2013 in Tacloban." And I couldn't help but nod in agreement.

Indeed, this year Christmas is more special because we need something tangible to uplift our battered spirits after the devastation our city suffered from Yolanda. And we have more to celebrate and be thankful for - not only the birth of our Savior, but also because we are among the fortunate ones who lived to tell the tale. 

Every year, I'd complete the 9-day Misa de Gallo, and attend the midnight mass on Christmas Eve. And usually I'd just be at home with my family on the 25th, or hang out with my closest friends. I seldom go to mass on Christmas day, but today, I did. 

As Fr. Edgar said last night, this is probably a once-in-a-blue-moon, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The opportunity to hear mass conducted by the Papal Nuncio. Sacred Heart is and always will be my home parish, for it is the only church where I can attend mass and come out after feeling blessed. I never feel comfortable hearing mass at Sto. Niño because it's always congested, and it doesn't give me the familial feeling that I always get at Sacred Heart.

But today I was there, and I was getting irritated by the ill-mannered kids sitting beside me (who were only there because of the relief goods they gave away after the mass, I think). Plus,the state of the church is just depressing. Parts of the roof were blown away, and were covered by tarps, but still, rain is pouring in and the floor is flooded with rainwater. The benches were all wet, but I didn't care. 

I purposely sat near the center aisle, fourth row from the front; just so I'd get a better view. It happened by chance, since I was staring, but as the walked down the aisle, the Papal Nuncio smiled at me. And I swear, a sense of calm came over me. And I had this feeling that things are gonna be just fine.

It was such an honor to be able to hear mass presided by the Pope's ambassador to the Philippines. Feels like the blessing came straight from the Vatican. I wanna say thank you to Archbishop Giuseppe Pinto for spending Christmas with us.

a very late yolanda-induced rant

Ever since I got out of Tacloban, people would ask me if I'm ok, and I'd say yes. Because really, what else is there to say? Saying no would lead to more questions, and I'd end up recapping what we went through.

But instead of asking me if I'm ok, why not ask me how I'm really faring? Because in reality, I am not. We Yolanda survivors are not ok. We are not fine. But I do know we are strong, because we were able to face the worst storm our country has ever faced, and came out standing, albeit battered and broken.

Try living out a category five-likened typhoon. Try having your house flooded up to the second floor. Try looking out the window and see a pick up float by. Try watching 3 men on a roof pulling another man who was being dragged by the storm surge to safety. Try watching roofs peel from houses. Try watching people loot from stores, and wonder where they'll hit next. Try living out in fear, as looters were getting more aggressive each day. Try fuctioning with almost zero sleep because you're afraid that looters would come in while you were sleeping. Try watching people steal from your house, ransack it, and being powerless to stop it. But that isn't even the worst part. The worst part is not knowing how your friends and relatives are, if they are alive, dead or missing, because there is absolutely no way of communicatung with anyone, unless you meet them accidentally while going around Tacloban.

I consider myself lucky, as my story is not as tragic as most people's were. Yes, we got flooded. Our house was damaged. We had little food and little water, but at least we had a roof over our heads. We had to give up the luxury of bathing daily (disgusting, I know), for we had to save water. Food must be rationed carefully, because we didn't know when we'll be able to buy more (turned out, we won't be able to because looters went thru groceries like ants). We had to sleep in total darkness, because flshlight power had to be conserved, and we dare not leave a candle overnight for fear of starting a fire.

We were blessed to have other people help us. I owe a lot to Alexis' family, for including us in their plans to leave Tacloban. I'm also thankful to friends and families who offered help, who gave us clothes because we left Tacloban with so little stuff. I'm grateful to those who gave us financial assistance to help us with the repairs for our house. I was blessed with a generous employer, for Maybank gave me the biggest assistance, ever. I'm also thankful for my family in Bacolod, and Canada, who sacrificed the income they would have gotten from the branded clothes they were supposed to be selling. Ultimately, the best part for me is not getting out of the warzone. The best part is knowing that people care.

Tacloban is a nice place. It may not be that famous and well-known, but I do love it. It is a big city, but it has a small-town vibe. You go around downtown, and chances are you'd bump into someone you know. There's minimal traffic, and every place is accessible either by walking or by public transpo. Our province, Leyte, have different tourist destinations. And if you'd prefer beaches, you can just cross over to our neighboring island, Samar.

That's why walking around downtown after the typhoon is just heartbreaking. Most of the houses were damaged. Electric posts were down. Cars lay on top of the other. Debris was everywhere.

I was just lucky that I never saw dead bodies, at least not until we were on our way to the airport 3 days later.

Our government received a lot of negative feedback. And I agree with most of them. I do not blame the local government, however. They tried. And they were victims, themselves. I wouldn't even blame them if they left the city, for I know they have the means to do so. And yet, they stayed. Maybe because it's their obligation, but I believed they stayed (yes, they left to secure their families and children, but they went back) out of love for the place they call home.

Our national government, however, could've done more. But what happened? Military came in too late, and even when they arrived, they were unable to stop the rampant looting. The president came in the first day, handed out several bottles of water (for photo ops, maybe), walked out when someone asked for Martial Law, and left. Mar Roxas was there, and guess what he was doing when we saw him on our way to the airport? He was in the middle of the road, directing traffic (or causing it, more likely). I mean, really. What was he doing there? He has men to do that, why do it himself? Photo ops, again, Mr. Aspiring President 2016?

And I won't even mention the Korina-Anderson debacle, for that would surely be an even longer rant. Let me just say that I'm on Anderson's side, and his comment on how strong we Fiipinos are touched me and brought tears to my eyes when I read it on the newspaper.

Donations are pouring in, both in cash and in kind, but where do they go? I have friends who never left Tacloban, and they tell me that relief goods are not being distributed properly.

I saw pictures on Facebook, where the noodles were repacked with the yellow ribbon (the symbol of the Aquino administration), and a pack of relief goods bearing our VP's name in bold letters. Gentlemen, this is not the time to promote your name or political party. People are in dire need, children are starving. Save your campaigning for the elections. If you showed compassion, true service to your country, then let that speak for itself. I'm sure when the time comes people would remember you for that.

And please stop holding foreign donations at customs, and subjecting them to tax. Those are donations, for God's sake.

It's shameful. The whole world is watching our government's corruption and inadequacy. To quote what I read on Facebook, "I'm proud to be Filipino, but I'm ashamed of our government."

Now, I didn't write this to bash our government, to attract attention, or to gain pity. I'm ranting because I can't believe how inconsiderate and tactless some people are (and if you're reading this I hope this not-so-subtle hint hits you right in the face). I'm ranting because I can't unload on my friends, because they have problems of their own. I'm ranting because 18 days (did I count right?) after Yolanda, I'm still feeling as lost and as unsettled as ever.

I just wanted to lock myself in my room, and do nothing but sleep and cry. I got the flu a day before Yolanda, which worsened because I got wet both from the flood and the rain. I'm glad my voice is back, but despite the antibiotics and meds I took, my cough just won't go away. My body still aches, and I don't know if it was because of the flu, or the heavy stuffs I carried up to our rooftop. I still have bruises, some have already healed and faded, but I still have a big dark one on my knee that still hurts (should I be worried?). My cuts have healed to, and I shall consider them as battle scars.

I just want to rest, to do nothing, to let my mind and body heal. But I never had that luxury. I was lucky our company reassigned us here temporarily, so even if my body was complaining, I went back to work a week after Yolanda. You might think a week of rest is enough, but I wasn't able to rest those days, for there were many things we had to do, still.

So, work it is. Because our store was hit hard. And our tenants were hit hard. There are so many repairs to be done, and money is tight. And even if I don't want to work, I needed the steady income it would give me.

I'm just lucky my company is generous, and my department heads are all understanding, compassionate, and just plain awesome.

This is not purely ranting, however. Despite all my complaints, I am still able to wake up and thank the Lord everyday.

I am alive. My parents are alive. My parents saw firsthand how much I love them, and how much I want us to be together (got very hysterical when my Dad told me he'd be staying in Tacloban all by himself while my Mom and I evacuates to Manila). No one in my immediate family was harmed. Our helpers and their families are ok. My closest friends and their families are all accounted for. No one I know intimately has died or is missing. We were able to get out of Tacloban before everything went crazy. We still have a house to get back to (it needs a lot of repairs, but we'll cross that bridge later). My dogs are being taken care of. I found out who truly cares for us. My bookshelves and my books were all intact (this may seem petty to you guys, but I have a lot of books and my collection cost me a lot of money over the years). And the list goes on and on.

I'll be flying back to Tacloban with my Dad tomorrow (thank you Ma'am Sue, Sir Joel, and Ma'am Fides for granting my leave request on such short notice) to check on our house, and do partial clean-up.

I want to go home, permanently. I hate Manila, no offense to those who live here (but I don't hate it when I'm only here for my usual vacations). I hate the traffic, I hate the rush hour. I hate how it takes 1 hour to reach a place that's supposedly only 15 minutes away. I hate how congested this place is. And this is very shallow of me, but I hate going around the malls, seeing something I like, and not being able to buy it because our money is being set aside for the more important matters.

It is my fervent wish to be able to spend Christmas at home, but even now I can see that it would be a tough wish to fulfill.

I'm hopeful, though. For a lot of things. For Tacloban to emerge from this destruction, stronger and better. For the people to move on, and use this experience to pave their way to success. For us to be able to finally go home and get on with our lives. :)

Posted via Blogaway


UPDATE: I'm sorry for the multiply typos, but I composed this using my smartphone, and typing a really long-ass post is difficult to proof read on such small screen.

can't wait for my new kindle

I'm moving on. I've been in denial over the past few months, unable to accept that my Kindle isn't working anymore (yes, I'm one of those weird people who get attached to inanimate objects). But now I'm finally moving forward.

I contacted Amazon's support team by chat, and they placed the order for me. I wanted a brand new unit, but as a replacement for my damaged Kindle, I have the option of getting the refurbished unit PLUS a 20% discount. Yes, it's not brand new, however it's like I'm still getting a new unit since a refurbished unit looks and works like new, and it also comes with a 1-year warranty.

And I know that there a more high-end units available, like the Touch, Paperwhite and Fire, but I still chose the cheapest and simplest one. Yes, I am on a tight budget, that's not the main reason, though. I simple prefer a unit with page-turning buttons at the side.

I ordered on May 16, and had it shipped to my boyfriend's brother-in-law who's currently at the States. Yesterday, Lex told me that my Kindle is already with RY. Granted, I won't receive it til he comes home late June, but still.

I'm so happy that I was able to save a couple thousand pesos on my purchase (on eBay Philippines, Kindles are usually priced around 4000-7000 pesos each, depending on the unit). I was able to get mine for only $51.45 (that's roughly 2000+ pesos), and Tamryn, the support who placed the order for me, kindly waived the shipping fee for me.

On another note, Tamryn told me that she'd email me a pre-paid post label so I could ship my old Kindle back. They'd be the one to recycle it. When I mentioned that the unit is here in the Philippines, she told me that they'd refund the shipping cost, but if it is too much hassle, she told me to recycle it in a safe way. I opted to keep it, but I'm not recycling it. No, I'm keeping it as a souvenir. Maybe I'll start my Kindle collection. =)

So now, because I had a little extra from the money I set aside, I'm currently browsing thru the Amazon website looking for accessories. =)

confessions of a bookaholic part 2

I'm a The Hunger Games Trilogy late bloomer. I know the first book was released 2008, and it became even more popular when the movie came out on 2012, but I just wasn't feeling it, you know?

All my friends know what a bookworm I am, and almost all of them kept asking me if it was good. And I kept getting these shocked looks when I told them that I haven't read it, and that I've no plans to read it. 

It's quite known that I'd read absolutely anything (well, except for Sidney Sheldon, Stephen King, and a handful of other authors I really don't like, but that's another story), but it doesn't mean that I'd read everything. I'm open to trying authors I've never heard before, and despite the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover", I've been known to pick up a book and start reading it just because the cover's pretty.

I don't read books because everybody's reading it. I've never been known to jump into a reading bandwagon. And there are certain times when I've already read a book even before it became popular. Case in point: The Twilight Saga. I've finished the first three books, and was waiting for the release of the fourth. I even told my friends to read it, because while I never thought of it as a really good book, I felt as if it has potential. But did anybody listen to me? No. And then when the movie tie-in was announced, well it was pretty much everyone could talk about. And it irked me. It irked me so much that when the books were all sold out, I gloated over the fact that I have all four books, in hardbound. And no, I didn't allow then to borrow my copy. (Bitter, huh?)

So what made me change my mind?

As I've said on my Instagram post, I had four reasons for reading it.

Number one would be because I ran out of books to read. I have several books that I downloaded from torrent, but since I'm not familiar with them, I decided to skip them first. Hunger Games has been on my Kindle, then my iPad, ever since the books came out. So I told myself, what the heck and just got on with it.

Two, was for my friends to stop telling me "but you're a bookworm, you love to read, how come you never read Hunger Games?" blah blah stinking blah. It's like I'm committing a grave sin, the way they look at me when I say that I don't like to read it. 

Reason number three would be because I'm tired of defending and explaining myself that being a bookworm  doesn't necessarily mean that I'd be devouring every available book there is.

And lastly, number four would be to satisfy my curiosity. Almost all my book-lover friends read it, and they kept saying how good it was and all that shit. So I decided to see for myself what the hype was all about.

So I finished all three books in two days, but since I'm a naturally fast reader, time isn't a good indicator of how good the book was. I thought it was good enough to keep me reading, but frankly, I got tired of Katniss and all her self-centered, self-loathing thoughts. The first book was ok, but when I got to the middle of the second book, I got bored already. I was hoping that Katniss would die in the arena so that the book would finally end (despite the fact that Katniss is the main protagonist, and let's face it, the lead characters seldom die). By the time I got to the third book, I was already speed-reading. I expected the third book to have more action, and in the story it did, but it was just dragging on and on and on. I'm so glad when it finally ended. I did wish for a much more detailed epilogue, though. I felt like it left me hanging.

All in all, it was a good book. Definitely a step up from the Twilight Saga (which was so ugh), but still worlds away from my favorites: JK Rowling's Harry Potter Series, and Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson Series and The Heroes of Olympus Series.

Oh, and I haven't watched the movie, too. But maybe I will, now that I've read the book. Also because of Jennifer Lawrence. I liked her in X-men First Class, loved her in Silver Linings Playbook. Might as well see how she portrayed Katniss. =)

confessions of a bookaholic part 1

"Hi, I'm Belle, and I'm a bookaholic." Everyone else (in monotone) "Hi Belle."

That is what I always hear in my head everytime I go into a bookstore. I rarely leave without buying anything, and ever since I've been able to hold on to money, bookstores became on top of my favorite places list.

I'm a semi-shopaholic, meaning I do enjoy shopping but I'm not driven by a compulsion to buy everything I like. I can pick up a dress, try it on, and return it back to the rack (even if the dress is really flattering) as soon as I see that the price is out of my budget range. I prefer buying clothes on sale; sometimes going to secondhand shops known here as ukay-ukays. I don't mind hand-me-downs from my aunts and cousins, and since I have a small frame, I get a lot of those, too.

Books, however, are a different matter. No matter how expensive they are, I just have to have it. I've been an avid shopper at National Bookstore since my elementary days more than a decade ago. It used to frustrate me, because the only time I get to splurge on books is during summer, when I go to Manila for month-long vacations. And then I'd blew my pocket money away in one swoop. 

I remember going to the mall, armed with reasons why my cousin (or whoever I'm with) should leave me at NBS. They'd go grocery shopping, or watch a movie, while I'll be contented spending the whole day inside the bookstore. I used leave my money at home because I know I won't be able to resist buying. There was a time when I was there less than two hours, but I've gathered almost a dozen books, costing me to more than 8,000 pesos.

That was indeed a wake up call. Imagine spending 8k for books, in a single receipt purchase, at my age that time. I think I was only 14 years old. My Dad got mad at me (he found out because I didn't have enough money and he had to pay for the rest), and he got even madder when he had to pay for excess baggage at the airport (books are heavy, you know?).

I had to lie low for a while, but the need (yes, NEED) to read is making me crazy, and I cave. Then I discovered Fully Booked. I mean, it's no different from NBS, they carry mostly the same titles, but I do love how they arrange their books alphabetically, making it easier for me to find books under my favorite authors.

Of course, in the past few years, I've been content to get secondhand books from Booksale, occassionally shopping at Fully Booked or NBS for the titles I want to add to my brand-new collection. 

And since technology is ever-evolving, Mom got me an Amazon Kindle last 2011, when she traveled to Singapore. It saved me A LOT of money, since I just download eBooks for free off the internet. And what I couldn't find, I buy from a seller on Facebook. She sells eBooks in all aformats for just 10 pesos apiece. My Kindle, however, died late last year (from overuse, according to Mom), and I've upgraded to an iPad Mini. Different gadgets, different formats, but the end result is the same: I can still read on my device.

And it suits me just fine.

my latest baby

I'm not one to usually splurge on a gadget. Sure, I've got a camera, an android phone, a Kindle (well, it's dead but that's another story), an iPod Touch, and a laptop, but so far the most expensive thing on my list is my laptop. And it's not even that expensive compared to the prices on the market.

And I didn't grow up with gadgets, either. Looking back, sometimes I feel so deprived. I've never owned a Playstation, a Gameboy, no Nintendo DS, and the like. I had an ancient Family Computer, and the next thing I got was a PSP. Just those two. There were times when I'd envy my friends. I'd listen to them talk about the latest games, and I could never relate that much. The only time I'm able to play was when I'm at my friends' houses.

I guess that's why, even at my age, I still have a yearning for gaming consoles. But I'm trying to supress that urge and go for gadgets that are more age-appropriate. Hence, the camera, Kindle, iTouch, and laptop.

My constant companions were my books. That's why the Kindle was is the perfect gadget for me. Sadly, my Kindle died expired gave up on me is on a hiatus. It suddenly kept on freezing and restarting, and the Amazon live chat CSR I talked to could offer me no solutions that worked. According to my Mom, my Kindle died of exhaustion from being overused.

Anyway, for a while, I debated internally whether I'd get a new Kindle, an iPad 2, an iPad Mini, or the latest iPad with Retina Display. After much deliberation, I decided on the iPad Mini. And, no regrets! I love how small, light, compact, and slim it is. It's a bit pricey (and my bank account is still weeping), but I think it's worth what I paid for.

I still have to buy some accessories to protect my baby, but with it being new (and not yet available at Apple Philippines), I'm having a hard time looking for the perfect bling. I'll just have to be patient (which is so not one of my virtues).

But anyway, I present to you Mini Bellatrix (Mini with it being the iPad Mini, and Bellatrix from my favorite Death Eater, Bellatrix Lestrange) or Mini B, for short. My friend Janelle coined the name (she calls me B, so my baby is my Mini version, hence, Mini B), so I appointed her godmother.

God, we are so weird. 

Anyhoo, here she is!  

not everything done on impulse is fun...

...and painless.

I'm a pretty impulsive person. When I really want to do something, there's no stopping me once I made up my mind. 

My impulses are usually fun, and harmless. Like buying something so expensive but totally useless, or going out at 3 AM because I feel like having a stroll. There was a time when I cut butchered my own hair, because it was too late to go to a salon, and I really wanted a haircut. Or the time when I joined my cousins at the beach. I didn't have a change of clothes, but I was so envious of them swimming that I just jumped into the sea. I had to go home in wet clothes, but hey, I had fun.

Of course, some of my impulses get me in trouble. Like the time when I accompanied our helper to the market. I think I was about 7 that time. I saw this stall selling catfish, live catfish. And of course, I just had to buy one. My Dad was not happy. When I was that age, I also bought 2 ducklings from a sidewalk vendor. Again, Dad was not happy.

So, now I limit my impulsiveness to myself (no point having Dad rant at me). Like getting my hair permed (I did this twice), dyeing my hair to burgundy with red highlights, and the like.

I was at SM Cebu with my Mom last Tuesday. We were killing time, for our ship doesn't leave until 10 PM. My Mom got tired from all the walking, so we settled on one of the chair at the Northwing. It just so happened that we were in front of Lay Bare, so I went in and ask for details about their Brazilian Wax. And right then and there, I decided to get one.

I've been meaning to try this a long time ago, but the potential pain kept stopping me. I was a bit uncomfortable and apprehensive, and when I got into my cubicle I was asking myself if I really wan to inflict a lot of pain on my body's most sensitive part, but I just decided to go through it.

Jessica, my wax technician, kept me at ease by answering all my question, and making small talk to distract me from the pain. Although, it wasn't that painful. I'd give it a 3 or 4 out of 10 on a pain scale, with 10 as the most painful. 

And I know there are a lot of waxing salons out there, but I'd personally recommend Lay Bare. Their cubicles are clean, and their staffs are all very nice. And as opposed to the hot wax usually used by most salons, they use cold sugar wax, which they make themselves  It is made with natural ingredients (sugar, kalamansi, and honey) and contains no chemicals. It's also less painful, and more comfortable. I tried hot wax once on my underarms, and I didn't like it. I can only imagine how it would feel during a Brazilian.

So, Lay Bare, cheers for making my first time as comfortable and as painless as possible! =)

on babies and books

So I went to my OB this afternoon for a follow up check up. Almost two years ago, I've been having abdominal pains and after I had an ultrasound done I found out I had a cyst. Nothing serious, but it gave me quite a scare. It freaked me out. And me being a teeny bit hypochondriac, I had these visions of not being able to get pregnant, or having my ovaries removed.

I dislike hospitals (ironic, since I'm a registered nurse), and I hate seeing a doctor. The only doctor I see regularly is my EENT, since I frequently get ear infections, sinusitis, and throat infections. But now, I also see my OB quite often.

I first went to her last April, complaining of abdominal pain similar to the ones I've had before I found out about the cyst, chills and severe dysmenorrhea during my period. I was afraid the cysts were back, so I went for a check up. She gave me a thorough check up, had lab tests done, prescribed me meds, and put me on the Pill. And I've felt better since then. Usually I don't go back for follow ups, but I need to go see her because she needs to monitor for cystic growths while I'm on the Pill, and that's fine with me.

I take my OB visits seriously, because if there's one thing I want most in my life, it's to be a mother. Not right now, though. Maybe someday.

It's one of the few things we talked about this afternoon. She asked me if I'm thinking about getting pregnant anytime soon and I responded with a resounding no. Maybe in a couple of years or so, when I've fully reached grown-up status, I'll be ready think about it. I think I'm still stuck in my teenage years. I certainly don't feel like a 20 23 year-old, and if I haven't finished growing up yet, how can I be responsible for another person?

Anyway, after I left the clinic, I walked around for a while. And I ended up at one of my happy places: Book Sale. I'm a frequent visitor, though I don't always buy a book when I'm there. But when I do buy, I usually buy a lot. Once I dropped in to kill some time and I ended up buying 11 books. The salespeople know me already, and are always helpful when I need help looking for something, or when I didn't bring any money and I need them to hide it so I can get it when I return another day. *grin*

I just bought 9 eBooks online last Saturday, and I already read 5 of them. And today, I bought 4 more books from Book Sale. I paid only 267.00 pesos for all 4. They're so cheap, how can I resist?

Logging out now, so I can get started on those books! =)

reminiscin' the years gone by

In my previous post, I mentioned that Multiply will say bye-bye to it's social networking part. So I went on a Multiply frenzy, I looked at past pictures, browsed at the things I've posted, and read my blog. It's gonna be hard to part with all those memories, but damn if I'm letting it all go. I'm trying to find a way to import my posts to Blogger, but just in case I can't, I saved up my favorite posts. Bittersweet and heartwarming memories, funny moments with friends.. These are forever etched in my heart, but I just want a written souvenir of my thoughts of those times.

Written in bold are the date and the title of the blog post, and those in italic are excerpts from the blog post itself. The ones in plain text after each post are just little "footnotes" I've added.

I'm gonna miss my Multiply site.

Jan. 21, 2007 | 2 years and counting..

January 22, 2007. That's our anniversary tomorrow..

We finally hit our two year mark.. But after three months or so, we broke up. =(

May 13, 2007 | Admitted.

Being admitted to the hospital wasn’t as scary as I first thought it would be. In fact, it was kinda fun.

I spent 3 days and 2 nights confined at Bethany Hospital. Why? Simple. Diarrhea. In all my 18 years of existence I’ve never been admitted to the hospital. And now, I did. Because of plain, old diarrhea.

It was much more than that, but still. Felt like just diarrhea to me. I actually had acute gastroenteritis with moderate dehydration and hypokalemia. Bouts of diarrhea and vomiting for four days or so, and I didn’t tell my Mom. By the time I finally realized I am too sick to pretend that I’m still awesome (high five, Barney!), I’m already dehydrated and my potassium level’s low. So my doctor admitted me.

May 15, 2007 | The significant other.

This blog is dedicated to Mr. Gonuts. He's a significant other (that's what I call the unknown). He's the spirit of the old man standing outside my hospital room.

Anyway, according to Jin, he died in 1929. I don't know if Bethany existed then, though. He died alone there. So yeah, he held grudges. But his anger seems to diminish over time. Every once in a while, he visits the place. Jin said she's not sure, but his name starts with R. Still, he'll always be Mr. Gonuts to me. I named him that because when Jin said that he was standing there, I was thinking of Gonuts Donuts.

He's nice, for a spirit. I'm usually scared of them, especially knowing they're right there. Jin knows this. I don't know why, but this was the first time that I haven't been scared. Matter of fact, I like him. He entered my room and used the CR there. I might be dreaming when I heard the door opened & closed, or when i heard the toilet flushing, but Jin said he must have entered my room.

Jin is my weird bestie. Weird, because she sees dead people. I kid you not. I love you, weirdo! =)

May 18, 2007 | Deep, confusing thoughts.

"You don't know what you've got till it's gone."

This is one of those clichés that I actually agree to. One can have everything one desires, yet still take them for granted. Not knowing, or better yet, not expecting that one day that thing will be gone. And that's the only time that one will realize the true worth of that thing. Sad.

But then, as I've said before, life is a constant process of holding on & letting go. Maybe it's time to let go of that thing and move on. Yet, what if the thing itself didn't even want to leave in the first place, but left with no choice? But what if, even if given the chance, that thing won't look back, won't go back to what it has left in the first place?

Now, relating to me, maybe I got tired of fixing something that was never meant to be fixed. Or maybe it was just waiting for the right place, the right time, and the right person to fix it? Whatever it is, I'm tired of holding on. So I let go. Under different circumstances, I would have cried buckets of tears. But I've learned to priorities things in the past few days. And I got to think a lot while I was in the hospital. Out of boredom, I must say, but it did me good. So yeah. I won’t trifle myself with trivial matters anymore.

The only thing permanent in this world is change. Change is inevitable. And that's what's happening to me now. A lot changed in these past few weeks. And I'm trying as hell to adapt.

“Maybe we started out from the wrong place.

Sometimes, it's not that things break down..

It's more that they were never quite right to begin with.”

So.. This was the first time I let public about my thoughts on our break up. Not that specific, but I always thought that it says it all. I was so bitter those days.

June 22, 2007 | No turning back..

Life is ironic..

Sometimes you keep on crying even if the guy neglects you.

But you get surprised one day just when you stopped crying and find someone new,

That's when he starts crying.. For losing you.

Just a quote, really. Still not moving on about the break up. I never did find someone new, though.

July 15, 2007 | Just a thought.

Why can't people just accept what has happened & face reality rather than hold on to what used to be?

One of life's bitter realities is that we have to accept the fact that not all things are meant to last forever. The only thing permanent in this world is change, so whether we like it or not, things are bound to change every once in a while.

Knowing that, why do we even let ourselves get attached w/ a person when we know that eventually the time will come that we'll have to separate w/ them?< I'm not being cynical; I know that there are some things that last – provided that it's the right place & the right time. It's just that, we put too much, we give too much, to the point that we're giving away a piece of ourselves before we even realize it. Then, in a flash, it's all gone. & we're left feeling incomplete, because a part of us was taken away by the person whom we gave our all.

Damn. Did I really write all those stuff?

July 25, 2007 | The essence of a woman.

I saw a mother give birth this afternoon..

The first time a saw a delivery. Damn. Must’ve hurt. I remember it changed my mind about getting pregnant early.

December 6, 2007 | Drama? Haha.

Kung nakaya ko, kaya mo rin.. Naalala mo nung ako ang nanjan?

Oh eh, di ba't kaw pa nagsabi sakin na baka kaya tayo iniwan ng taong mahal natin kasi..

Baka merong bagong darating na mas ok.. Na mas mamahalin tayo.. Ung taong di tayo sasaktan at paaasahin..

Ung nagiisang tao na magtatama ng mali sa buhay natin.. Ng lahat ng mali sa buhay mo..

-Popoy (One More Chance)

Watched One More Chance with friends a month before that post. I don’t even know why I posted that quote, but I’ve always love it.

January 10, 2008 | In loving memory of Rico.

Born: October 27, 1999

Died: January 10, 2008

Our dog died that day. Sad.

Rico, wearing my nephew's old shirt. I've painted this for him.

May 29, 2008 | Janelle’s gonna kill me for this..

..But it would be such a shame I if don't post this!

She said: "I don't want to marry an obstetrician, because what if they get tired looking at *censored*? I don't want him to get tired looking at it!"

I do love talking with Janz. She’s got the weirdest ideas, ever.

November 8, 2008 | Rainy days..

..Are all about:

Drinking a warm cup of coffee..

Wearing cool rainy weather outfits..

Having a good sleep..

Chilling at home while listening to love songs..

Missing someone.. c:

I do love rainy days. Especially if you have someone to cuddle with. =)

January 8, 2009 | Wasted.

Anyway, I painted part of my room this afternoon. My room's currently under renovation, as I'm adding bookshelves and cabinets.

Why do people do drugs anyway? They can just inhale paint and get on with it.

I'm experiencing paint-induced euphoria. I feel so wasted. It's like I've drank gallons of tequila. I feel great!

God I remember this. I was so high that day! I felt like I was floating.

September 22, 2009 | RIP Chelsea =(

Born: August 12, 2009

Died: September 22, 2009

This is the last post I made.

My Reina got pregnant for the first time.. And gave birth to 6 puppies. My friend Cha was gonna buy one of them, and named her Chelsea. Sadly our big dog Rixia bit her (she’s a bit territorial about food), and she died that same night from a head wound. That puppy died in my arms and I cried the whole night.

Month-old Chelsea. Doesn't she look adorable?

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Dang, I forgot about this. =P

So, eight fears, huh? I really have to give this a lot of thought. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but nothing I'd classify as fear, really. Just small stuffs, not significant enough to be filed under fear. But if I really think this through, I know I'll be able to come up with something eight things.

Here we go.

1. Cockroaches, especially the flying ones. I have no quarrel with these if they stay away from me, in fact I watched Joe's Apartment and I find in funny, not icky at all. It's just that, when they fly, that's when all hell break loose. I freak out, and starts shouting, which in turn freaks out whoever I'm with. I had this incident when I was about 12, when a cockroach flew over to my blanket. I was on the phone talking to a friend, and I just carelessly tossed the blanket so the cockroach would fall to the floor (they don't bother me then). But instead of the floor, it landed right on my bed near my legs. And it started crawling on my left leg, it felt so weird and creepy and icky that I accidentally threw the phone away and started screaming like somebody was killing me. My Mom heard me and ran to my room thinking the worst, and she just laughed when I relayed what happened. Needless to say, I've hated cockroaches since then.
2. Big, hairy spiders. Or even the less hairy ones. Little house spiders don't scare me, what with their puny legs and all. But when they grow to be big ones, that's when I turn into someone with arachnophobia. I swear, I can't even go near enough to kill it.
3. Pitch-black darkness. I'm not afraid of the dark. I never had nightlights when I was a kid. In fact, I prefer to sleep with the lights off because I can't sleep with them on. You know that kind of darkness where your eyes could never seem to adjust, and you can't see your fingers even if you wave them in front of your face? That's what I don't like. We went on vacation to Dumaguete several years back, and we spent a night at Apo Island. The place was beautiful, the locals friendly, the sea was amazing, and the marine life was just awesome. The problem was, the whole island's electricity was powered by generator only. And to conserve gas, they turn it on from like 6PM to 11PM only. So around 4Am I woke up, needing to use the bathroom. But it was so dark, not a flicker of any light, and it was just plain scary. I had to hold my bladder and I waited till the crack of dawn till I was able to use the facilities.
4. Huge bathrooms. Now, this is unreasonable. I much prefer a bathroom where I can reach the walls when I stretch my arms. I've seen enough movies, and read a lot of books, to make me paranoid and think about killers attacking while the victim is taking a bath. Nuff said.
5. Horror movies. I never watch horror movies (unless under coercion), whether in the moviehouse (especially not in a moviehouse) or on TV. I avoid them because of my overactive imagination. I tend to have nightmares after watching a horror flick, and then I wake up in the middle of the night breathing fast, my heartbeat loud and audible over the silence. Then I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, with visions of ghosts, monsters running all over my mind. I'd have to go knock on my parents' door, wake them up from their sleep, and bunk in the small sofa bed in their room. Which, in turn, gets me a scolding from my Dad for watching a horror movie in the first place.
6. Getting robbed, and killed. One night, I woke up and on my way to the bathroom, I saw that my Dad left the window open. I hastened to close it, while visions of a robber coming into our house and killing us all in our sleep was running through my mind. I think I've read to many suspense novels already.
7. The future. I've never been a planner, but I always have grand hopes and dreams, although they keep changing over time. Seems to me as if I'm still a kid answering the question who I want to be when I grow up. I can't seem to stick to one dream and pursue it. Though I'd like to think that now, I've already found my niche. But still, the future is one big blurry question mark, and that's kinda scary to me.
8. Losing my parents. I'm an only child, and my parents are my only immediate family. We're close, and they're the reason why I never entertained any notions of working abroad. I can't bear to be a continent away from them. Living in another city is already too much distance for me, what more if I'm on the other side of the planet? Sure, I have aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews, but they're not the same as a mother and a father. They're not that old yet, but they are both a little over 60. Life is not permanent, death is almost always sudden, and age, well age never factored in death. you can die young, or if you're lucky, you can live up to a hundred. The unpredictability of it all scares me, because I just can't bear the thought of not having my parents with me.

So there you have it. Took me over two hours to finish this. =D

conquering the world one pastry at a time

Baking. God, how I love it. I feel as if this time, I'm doing what I really love, I'm going to be something I really want. I feel as if this is what I'm meant to be. After 6 months or so, I'm gonna be a pastry chef. I can't wait!

To me, each day is like a treat. We make all kinds of bread, muffins and cookies. And making bread sounds easy, but it's not. It needs a lot of patience, and a lot of work. Trust me, kneading a dough is work.

We're having our final exam next Wednesday, and after that we get a 2-week reprieve from school. I'm so excited, I'm going home right after our exam. It's not all vacation, though. I still have to do all my costing. Ugh.

"Life isn't perfect, but everything you bake in the kitchen can be. It's a moment of order and edible art in a life of disorder and chaos."

-Henry's Sisters (Cathy Lamb) ♥

These are my faves so far:

Popovers filled with pastry cream.

Hot cross buns.

Classic Pinoy pandesal. ♥

Waffles. But we didn't use a waffle pan, so it looks like a pancake. =)

Blueberry muffins.

There's more, but for some reason I'm having a hard time posting pics. I'll just uplload them on my next post. =)

random things that make me happy

I've just finished reading Neil Pasricha's The Book of Awesome. It was a fun read, with Neil listing things that are "awesome" and it made me want to do a list of my own, on a much smaller scale, that is.

So, here are random things that are pretty awesome, to me. Some of these may have been in the book, too, but I assure you it's purely coincidence that both me and the author find it great.

1. Popping bubble wrap. Come on, who doesn't like to pop bubble wrap? My Mom wouldn't often get exasperated because she keeps bubble wrap for future use or for storing breakable items such as vases, mugs, etc. And everytime I see one, I pop it before my Mom can use it, which leads to her telling me how I wasted a good length of bubble wrap, yada yada yada.
2. The smell of freshly-baked bread. Ah, baked goodies. How I love them. Which is one of the reasons why I'm studying Pastry Arts. There's just something good about the smell of freshly-baked bread.
3. Freshly laundered sheets. They smell good, the feel good, and what's more, it's clean. They give new meaning to a good night's sleep.
4. Laughing over something that you just remembered. I do this. I'm the type of girl who laughs over something that happened yesterday, the other day, last week, last month, or even last year. When I remember something funny, whether it's something I read in a book, or one of my friend's crazy antics, I just give in and laugh. And this often happens while I'm alone, so people would look at me as if I'm crazy.
5. Jumping into the deep, blue sea. During summer, my nephews, my cousin, my cousin's friends, and I would go to Kuya Robert's hometown in Antique. Their house is right along the beach so we'd often go for a dip in the sea. They have this small floating cottage made of bamboo, and there's a diving board built at the side. We'd usually climb the bamboo poles till we reach the top (about 8 feet high, I think), then we'd pinch our nose, close our eyes, and just.. Jump. Climbing is a little nerve-wrecking, our knees start to shake, but the feeling of free-falling into the deep sea is just awesome. It's only for a few seconds, but those seconds you feel free. And once you hit the cold water, you get hit with this feeling that hey, I just jumped from an 8-feet high board to the 15-feet deep sea.
6. When my Mom cooks my fave dishes. My Mom never remembers what food I hate. She'd be all, "Why aren't you eating that?" during dinner and I'd go, "But Mom, I hate raisins." And the next time she cooks something with raisins, we'd have the same conversation all over again. But even with that one flaw, what's great about Mom is that she knows what I like. And nothing beats that feeling of happiness when I sit down at the table, and realized that Mom cooked all my favorites all at once.
7. The smell of onions and garlic being sauteed. Back at home, when I had nothing to do, I'd sleep late, and wake up around noontime. And since my room is just beside our kitchen, the aroma of whatever's cooking would usually drift into my room. I'd wake up to the smell of sauteing garlic and onions, and my stomach would rumble just from the smell of it. There's something very familiar and comforting about that smell, not to mention the awareness that, in just a few minutes or so, lunch will be ready. And it'll be eating time again!
8. The milky smell of babies. Babies have this milky-odor that's very comforting. And it's nice to cuddle with a baby, and maybe sniff him/her every once in a while.
9. New socks. They feel nice and soft, and it's like my feet's able to breathe even while trap in a pair of shoes for hours.
10. When my Dad texts me just to check how I am. I am a Daddy's Girl, but while my Dad and are close, we don't have that firmly-bonded relationship where we hang out together, do things together, and I share my everyday life with him. So when he texts me just to ask if I'm OK and to ask how I'm doing, it gives me a very warm feeling.
11. The smell of books. One cannot be a bookworm and not love the smell of books. This may sound weird, but while waiting in line at the cashier in a bookstore, I'd be sniffing and smelling the book in my hand. Just one of my little quirks.
12. Free WiFi. In this day and age of laptops, WiFi enable cellphones, tablets, iPods and iPads, wireless connection is a must. It's also the time where coffee shops and restaurants offer WiFi, but you have to order something to avail it. That's why it's so awesome when you encounter WiFis that aren't password protected. So, here's to people/establishments that share their wireless internet for everyone. Cheers to you!

my little home away from home

Being an only child, I've always had to battle my parents (well, my Dad, especially) for independence. My Mom taught me to be independent at a young age - I was barely 8 years old when she taught me simple house chores like washing the dishes, sweeping/mopping the floor, doing my own laundry and ironing.

From there we moved on to basic kitchen duties, where I started washing and peeling veggies. Then came chopping, gutting out fishes, and eventually, cooking. I know how to cook basic dishes - adobo, sinigang (with the benefit of Maggi's sinigang mix), spaghetti, tinola, omelets, etc, thanks to Mom. Although when I get lazy, I do instant noodles and canned goods, but I try not to make a habit out of it, because it's not healthy, yada yada yada.

That was the time I discovered the miracle of cookbooks. Mom encouraged me to explore, so I'd make dishes on a trial and error basis (whatever the results, we'd still eat it), following the recipe. But cooking isn't my first love. Baking is. So, here I am. But I'll get back to that.

It's ironic, because from the time I was a kid, my Mom preached about how important it is to know my way around the house, because someday I'm gonna make my way in the world and no one's gonna be doing it for me, but I had to fight my Dad tooth and nail before he let me be on my own.

Granted, that if he said yes before, I'd be studying Medicine at Manila, not Pastry Arts here in Cebu. And baking being my first love, I'm not sure how I currently feel about that. I don't have regrets about not going into Medicine, but when the taxi I rode in (I usually take the jeep, but I went to Unitop and bought three mono-bloc chairs) passed by Cebu Institute of Medicine the other day, I felt a twinge of something. Just a hint of what could be.

So anyway, I was beyond thrilled when my Dad told me I could study here in Cebu. Of course, that might be attributed to the fact that there are no decent cooking schools back home. My Mom knows for a fact that I'd do fine by myself, but my Dad still needs a little convincing. After all, I'm his one and only baby girl. ♥

This is the first time I'm gonna be away from home and from my parents for a long time. The last time I was at Manila, I was there for about for months or so, but this time I'll be gone for a minimum of 10 months. I miss them both so badly, not to mention Lex, but still. This is exactly where I want to be.

I agree with Dorothy. Indeed, there's no place like home! But I sure put in some effort into making my little place feel like home.

From outside the door.

Another view from the outside.

Behind the door. Slippers, sandals, shoes. And I'm wearing the fluffy bedroom slippers.

Everything but the kitchen sink! =)

Making do with a table for my little kitchenette. There's my rice cooker, electric heater, and electric stove so I can cook.

My toilet.

My bed. The top bunk is messy, seeing as how nobody sleeps there. So I just dump my stuff on it. And there's my teeny, tiny electric fan. Plus my freshly laundered clothes beside it, waiting to be ironed.

Where I sleep. And there's my precious book, Professional Baking. ♥

My dining table, courtesy of Kuya Larry. Thanks! My laptop and Kindle take up space, though.

The closet. Messy, as always.

The small screened balcony where I hang the wet clothes after I wash them.

It's not much, but it's home. My home. =)